True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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