Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
