I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
