Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
It was confusing and full of hummus
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
