but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
