It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
