Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
