did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
