I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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