you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
