Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
