pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
