Jerry, you need to find god
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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