my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
