You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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