I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
