3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
