I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Randomize
