so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
