I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I think my vagina is haunted
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
