My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
