giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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