Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
