i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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