For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
