6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
