His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
