Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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