He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
