Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
