once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
