$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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