Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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