I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
