i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
