She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
