Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She even gives head with a lisp.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
