I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
