So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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