just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
