As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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