I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
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