My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
