Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
