onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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