I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
