she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
