I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
