he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
