Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
