where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
