so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
