This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
