Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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