K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
